What’s the Real Craft of Coaching?
The skills that make the difference
Have you ever been coached? Are you trying to adopt a “coach approach” in your leadership style? Are you perhaps a certified coach?
Coaching has become one of the fastest-growing professions. It’s being fuelled by some very real forces: people looking for clarity in their careers and lives, leaders trying to build stronger teams, and plenty of talented professionals stepping away from the organisational “rat race” and exploring coaching as a new chapter in their career.
Whatever the route in, coaching is not for the faint of heart. It’s demanding work. It can also be commercially challenging. As one of my former clients once said,
“Everyone can benefit from coaching… but to realise that, they have to go through coaching.”
The chicken and egg chase each other, yet again!
I started my coach training in 2005 and attended a three-day seminar with Joseph O’Connor. It was a rude awakening. It was a masterclass and I had no prior exposure to coaching, so I was completely out of my depth. But it also marked the beginning of a rich journey. By 2008 I was a Master Coach.
And here’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.
As coaching has grown, I sometimes worry that we’ve reduced it to a set of tools and techniques. A toolbox. A set of “power questions.” A method you can apply to every situation.
The risk is obvious. If you show up with a technique, you can miss what the person in front of you actually needs.
My most recent Leading People conversation with Marcia Reynolds, PsyD, MCC reminded me of an earlier one with Dr Paula King. Different styles. Different paths. Same deeper message.
It also made me go back to my conversation with Joseph O'Connor about how to coach your brain.
The real craft of coaching isn’t having more tools. It’s being present. It’s creating space for reflection. And it’s being able to notice and work with state: what’s happening in someone when they’re stuck, and what shifts when they’re not.
If you’re not a regular listener to Leading People, think of this edition as a short, guided tour through three conversations that go far deeper than most “coach approach” tips.
Coaching isn’t “asking questions”. It’s helping someone think differently.
If you’ve ever tried to take a coaching approach and found yourself sliding into advice mode, Marcia’s distinction is a gamechanger.
She talks about reflective inquiry. Not just asking questions but reflecting back what you’re hearing so the other person can hear themselves more clearly. Sometimes the most useful thing you can say is simply: “Here’s what I hear you saying. Is that right?”
“Reflective inquiry is the skill of helping someone hear themselves more clearly.”
The deeper point is this: real coaching isn’t a performance. It’s a partnership in thinking.
Test this out (2 minutes):
In your next 1:1, do one reflective summary before you ask your next question. Then pause for five seconds longer than you normally would.
If you want the full depth of this, I strongly recommend listening to the whole episode with Marcia.
Mastery is built between sessions, not during them.
If your coaching conversations are “fine” but don’t feel like they’re truly changing anything, Paula’s message may be the missing piece.
Paula is very generous about tools. But she’s clear that what separates competent coaching from great coaching is reflective practice.
In practical terms: what you do before the conversation, and what you do after the conversation. The checking-in with yourself. The journalling. The honest review of what happened, what you noticed, and what you’d do differently next time.
“Reflective practice is vital.”
It’s not glamorous. It is, however, how craft is built.
Test this out (5 minutes):
After one coaching-style conversation this week, write three lines:
- What was the real topic?
- What did I do that helped?
- What will I do differently next time?
If you want a world-class view on reflective practice, Paula’s episode is well worth your time.
The science underneath presence and state.
If you’ve ever left a conversation feeling oddly drained, tense, or emotionally “caught”, Joseph explains why.
He also explains something you may have noticed yourself: emotions are contagious.
Joseph brings a helpful scientific foundation to what Marcia and Paula describe in practice. Our brains predict, our bodies react, and we pick up subtle cues from others.
That’s one reason presence matters so much. A coach (or leader) has to notice state, manage their own state, and create enough space for the other person’s thinking to shift.
“Emotions are contagious. That’s why you can feel drained after a conversation.”
He also reminds us that stress is not just “in the head”. It’s physical. And if you ignore the physical side, people often can’t access the reflective state that makes coaching useful.
Test this out (30 seconds):
Before a difficult conversation, ask yourself:
“What state am I in right now, and is it the state I want to bring into this?”
That one question changes a lot.
Joseph’s episode is a great listen if you want the science spine under the “presence” conversation.
https://leadingpeople.buzzsprout.com/1496338/episodes/8913114-how-to-coach-your-brain
The thread across all three conversations
Marcia points to the skill: reflective inquiry.
Paula points to the practice: reflective practice.
Joseph points to the mechanism: state, attention, and emotions.
This is why I worry when coaching is reduced to tools. Tools can be useful. But the deeper skills determine whether the conversation actually makes the difference.
One of the reasons I love hosting Leading People is that these episodes become a kind of library. This newsletter is my way of pulling a few threads together so you can use them immediately.
One small experiment for this week
If you’re a leader trying to adopt a coach approach, test this in one conversation:
- Start with the question: “What’s the real challenge here for you?”
- Reflect back what you heard in one sentence.
- Pause for five seconds longer than you normally would.
- Finish with: “What feels like the next small step?”
Then do Paula’s three-line reflection afterwards.
Two reflection questions
- Where have I been relying on “coaching techniques” when what’s really needed is more presence?
- What would change if reflective practice became non-negotiable for me?
Want to explore this further?
I work with people who are building a coaching culture, developing leaders to use a coach approach, or simply trying to have better conversations that lead to real change.
If today’s edition resonated, these are the three areas I most often find myself working in:
Lead Yourself
Self-awareness, leadership impact, trust, and the blind spots that can quietly shape how other people experience you.
Lead People Well
The day-to-day basics of leadership done brilliantly: communication, expectations, delegation, accountability, feedback, and relationships.
Lead Performance
Moving beyond activity into clarity, follow-through, growth, and sustainable results for people and teams.
If you’d like to talk it through, feel free to reach out.
Let’s start a conversation
What do you think is most missing from “toolbox coaching” today?
And what has helped you most to develop presence, whether as a coach or as a leader?